Tone Parsons

Call the Geek Squad

If I had to do it all over again, I’d start by writing these two rules on the wall:
Rule #1: Do not tell people you know anything about computers.

Rule #2: Do not tell people you know anything about computers.

I get phone calls… lots of phone calls.

“I just did something stupid and now all my *insert important files here* are gone!”. “I just downloaded *insert known spyware infested application here* and now my computer keeps *insert bad thing here*.

So… it’s official. I do not know anything about computers. Please don’t call me at work because your home PC just exploded in a green ball of fire and all the demons from hell have you backed into a corner (read: you installed a porn dialer and now your homepage has been reset, you have a new desktop background of two old ladies going at it with giant produce, and your computer keeps dialing a 900 number in Nigera).

I can’t help you.

Oh… and don’t call the Geek Squad…. they’re a bunch of smacktards.


12 Comments so far

  1. Psychoducky May 15th, 2006 8:02 pm

    So are the old ladies using corn? 🙂

  2. Vangaard May 16th, 2006 11:08 am

    um… mister ‘puter man, where is the “any” key??

  3. Tone Parsons May 16th, 2006 1:36 pm

    The “press any key” line is simple and clear. Unfortunately, most users are keyboard slapping primates who see this as a literal command.

    Sadly, they don’t read the manuals that come with software then call support and complain when they can’t understand the simplest thing (which was covered in chapter 1, page 3 of the manual).

    True story…. back in the day when I did tech support for a major graphics software company, I was helping a user with how to type in a file name. I said “ok… lets name that image ‘test dot jpg’ with no spaces”. They named it “testdotjpg”. When I explained how they went wrong, that when I said “dot” I meant “period”. They replied “how do you spell period”.

  4. Bob Loblaw May 16th, 2006 1:38 pm

    Amen. Its incredible how relatives and neighbors ONLY come out of the woodwork when they have problems or are buying a new computer. It drives me crazy. I had a neighbor wake me up one night at 10:30 because they couldn’t print. After my seething reply about how late it was, they said “well, while you’re going back to sleep, think about why such and such document won’t open”.

    No swear word I’ve ever heard could capture that moment for me.

  5. Zipper May 16th, 2006 4:39 pm

    I have been guilty of doing this to Tone on a few rare occasions, but only after struggling with it for a least a week or more(sometimes it only comes up months later while having a catch-up call).

    Goggle is the idiot’s best friend, Tone is never a option.

  6. Tone Parsons May 16th, 2006 9:20 pm

    Ok… if you first google it, make some sort of attempt to correct the issue, and know what your software is and how it’s supposed to work (aka: you read the manual, the FAQ online, etc), then yes… I will help you.

    If you call me with the same damn question over and over and over and over again…. I will beat you… with sticks.

  7. pigman May 17th, 2006 9:35 am

    I have to assume that some people will just walk down the street and pick up absolutely anything they find on the ground and eat it.

    How else do you explain these people happily downloading and installing EVERY ^&%$^%#$^& add in/program/helper/sex viewer, etc … that they ever come across?

  8. l33tUser May 17th, 2006 10:53 am

    Tone I acedently spiled sum water on my favrit CD. Is it runed or is their a program I can use to fix it? thnx for teh help.

  9. Tone Parsons May 17th, 2006 10:07 pm

    Good analogy, Pigman 🙂

    As for Mr. L33t… I’ll beat you when I get to work. Remember the “big sticks” reference? Well… I’m adding the word “pointy”.

  10. Hank May 18th, 2006 9:27 am

    I personaly like the call at 10:30 – 12:00 midnight
    Caller : ” Hello , I was wondering if you could come out and look at the computer it is going very slow and I don’t know why? ”
    Myself : ” what have you got running? ” ( in a half awake state )
    Caller : ” well when the program I wanted to open was not opening I started to open other programs to see if that was the problem , and it stopped ”
    Myself : ” Unplug it from the wall , back away from the unit AND DON’T EVER TOUCH A COMPUTER AGAIN “

  11. Tone Parsons May 18th, 2006 11:38 am

    Back in the day, I built, sold, and serviced my own line of computers. They were high end but with a low profit margin (sell more for less, make money!).

    Unfortunately, as a home business, people assume you’re open 24/7, 365 days a year.

    My most memorable call came at 2:30 in the morning. “Something is broken on my computer! I was surfing the web and it gave me a 404 error!!!!”

    I tried to explain what that meant, but they were convinced that the computer was broken and demanded that I come out immediately to fix it. I hung up, unplugged my phone, and got a good nights sleep.

  12. Hank May 21st, 2006 5:50 am

    I use this as an explaination for most of them

    ” Yes I understand that you have a problem and trust me sir that all of your problems are related to the main error that the computer is having right now . ”
    ” it’s called an ID 10 T error ,
    the only cure for it is to shut your computer and wait for it to clear up ”
    this however can take up to well years
    I never profess to be nice