Dear Crazy Bus Guy,
First and foremost, I applaud you for supporting mass transit! By doing so, you help relieve the traffic congestion as well as reduce the amount of emissions in the air we breathe . Well done!
I do, however, need to point out a few of the finer points of bus etiquette that you haven’t picked up yet. These are little things, but they make the bus ride far more pleasant for everyone. Please take notes.
Item #1: There is no eating on the bus.
They’ve posted signs… big damn signs, at the front of the bus. Do not chow down on your leftover fried chicken like a rabid badger when you think the bus driver isn’t looking. Last time, you chewed with your mouth open and left pieces of your cold greasy lunch all over the place (wiping your hands on the seat was a nice touch though). I’m sure the next person who had the misfortune of sitting there truly appreciated getting that shit all over their pants.
Seriously… listening to you masticate dead foul isn’t attractive, and it is against the rules on the bus. Don’t do it.
Item #2: Shut the fuck up!
Are you in love with your voice? You talk and talk about nothing and blurt out nonsensical shit in high speed. You can’t seem to grasp that no one acknowledges that you’re talking, but that doesn’t stop the steady stream of calorie free mental diarrhea that flows from your mouth.
No one cares that you’re late for work. We don’t want to see pictures of your wife (or as you lovingly put it: “That bitch who spent all my money and took off”). We have lives of our own, but you don’t see us sharing.
An additional rule of thumb, if you see put on my iPod, that’s the universal symbol for “don’t fucking talk to me, crazy bus guy!”. Learn to recognize it.
Item #3: Keep you clothing on!
I’m sorry the your forth metatarsal (the toe next to your pinky) on your right foot is infected, but for the love of all that’s good and pure, don’t wait until you’re on the bus to do something about it! When you took off your shoe and sock this morning, you nearly made the woman who was sitting across from you gag.
While viewing the great, open sore on you toe was bad, what ever the hell medicine you put on it was worse. That shit seriously stunk the bus up! Please… medicate your leper feet either before or after your bus ride!
Item #4: I am not your personal vending machine!
It’s not bad enough that I have to ride with you every morning and every evening, but I have to wait at the same stop as you do at the end of the day. Yes, I smoke, and it’s obvious you do too… so buy you own damn cigarettes! I know you have a job (you told me all about your raise and how you now make $9.75 an hour), so take some of that money and waddle your leper toed crazy ass down to the store and buy your own.
Item #5: Cologne is not a substitute for bathing
While I realize that you probably have gallons of your favorite cologne, Ode de Donkey Anus, please don’t use it as a body wash. The other day you smelled like you had mixed several car christmas tree air fresheners, onions, and shit together, then smeared it all over your body. You made the entire bus smell reek of pine and a pigs rectum. I could barely breathe through my nose, and when I attempted to do it through my mouth, I could taste your foul stench.
Wash the funk off your ass, then if you feel the need to use cologne, please do so sparingly.
I thank you for your time, Mr. Crazy Bus Guy. Again, thank you for choosing to use mass transit. Now go eat a bullet.