Tone Parsons

Time to pop some popcorn… and write another open letter

Two “must own” movies came out yesterday, 300 and Hot Fuzz. So, I got the kid to drive me off to the store to pick them up.

I have to admit, I’ve gone a little movie crazy in the past couple of weeks, picking up DVD’s of a lot of older films that I decided for one reason or another that I must have in my collection. These urges are usually caused by seeing one of them being broadcast.

So today, after finishing all my work (I worked from home), I decided it was time to unwrap all these cinematic treasures, and that leads me to my latest rant…

An Open Letter to the fuckers who package DVDs

I understand that you want to keep them safe, and feel the need to make them as pirate proof as possible, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AND PURE, WHAT’S UP WITH THE STICKERS?!?

Some movies only come with one security sticker along the top. I’m totally cool with that, but the little “peel” flap on the back (that is there to supposedly make them easy to remove) is glued down with the adhesive from hell! If you do manage to get a fingernail under the edge of it, you’ve irreparably damaged the plastic of the case.

Then there are those movies where the sticker guy at the factory, after an evening of smoking crack and chewing peyote like it was going out of style, put stickers on every side that could possibly open.


Add to that frustration the fact that if you don’t buy the movies the week they came out on DVD, the glue on thus said stickers begins to dry somewhat, leaving sticky crap along the edges of your DVD case. This can have a couple of different outcomes:

  1. If you have pets or dust or live on the planet Earth, they become furry little “chia-DVDs” after a stunningly short period.
  2. If you stack several with the same gluey mess next to each other, you get a DVD brick.

And what the hell is up with the cheap DVD cases? I’ve gotten several where the damn center spindle (that holds the DVD in place) was sheared off, leaving the disc to move around in the case (with the sharp edges and plastic shrapnel) all the way from your factory to my house, leading to some very fucked up DVD’s and one very pissed off me as I have to get someone to drive my ass across town to exchange it.

But, I have a suggestion. Knock it the fuck off with all the damn stickers (one will do fine). The money you save by only putting one on can be invested in a higher quality case.

Oh… and one last thing…. knock it off with the OMFG LOUD “DO NOT PIRATE THIS MOVIE OR WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND PUT YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IN FEDERAL “POUND YOU IN THE ASS” PRISON” crap!! Christ… the only people who see that are the people who actually buy movies (I’m pretty sure that if it were pirated, they would have stripped that crap right the hell off before sending it out).

I thank you for your time, and hope that your mother can somehow figure out a way to get a retroactive abortion soon.


Tone Parsons

Tone Parsons


5 Comments so far

  1. zipper August 1st, 2007 4:25 pm

    I went out and bought Hot Fuzz last night also. It was great! I also found the complete series of Freaks and Geeks. It was a short lived series on NBC that was for some reason canceled after 18 episodes.

    To get the damn tape off easier all you have to do is slice it down the seem of the case and slowly remove each half. The only time you run into any issues is when they don’t get the damned case sleeve all the way below the plastic liner, Then it is cuss time.

  2. Dan August 3rd, 2007 8:43 am

    I second zippers comments on the security tape thingy.
    I use an exacto blade, slice all relevant tape down the dvd case seam and then peal from the inside out. No more gunky mess on the plastic cover. Plus on the side that you might leave some sticky, or even for the chia dvds that you have lying around, “Goo Gone” is wonderful anti-sticky remover.

    On a paranoid note, I also remove the anti-theft device from the cases, so they can’t track me from space. I’m working on building a mind-reading tinfoil hat too, so the “man” can’t find me and read my thoughts anymore!

  3. zipper August 3rd, 2007 5:19 pm

    I put the anti-theft device’s on other peoples cars so they think I am in several places at once.

  4. Mike S August 4th, 2007 1:20 am

    Lightly applying a bit of almost any petroleum product or Boraxo hand cleaner and letting sit a few minutes will take off most of the glue of almost any type. Also great for removing bumper and other stickers from vehicles. Goo Gone works well too, but can’t get that or the Boraxo here. Western Autos in most states carry Boraxo though. Good post by the way, very useful letter, hope you made ‘fill in the blank’ copies, loadsa shitheads out there to send it to:)

  5. miftah August 5th, 2007 6:59 pm

    When I was a less scrupulous teenager, I once spotted a sheet of those security stickers (manufactured by the store – this is before they started putting them standard on all CDs/DVDs) and pocketed them. That way, every time I went through the door, in or out, I would set off the alarm. Since I went into this store every day and they all new my name, they soon stopped bothering to check me (after the third day no less) and I was free to walk out with whatever I wanted. Not that I would ever do that – it was all about unnerving them. And man oh man, did I.