Tone Parsons

Dear Crazy Bus Guy,

First and foremost, I applaud you for supporting mass transit! By doing so, you help relieve the traffic congestion as well as reduce the amount of emissions in the air we breathe . Well done!

I do, however, need to point out a few of the finer points of bus etiquette that you haven’t picked up yet. These are little things, but they make the bus ride far more pleasant for everyone. Please take notes.

Item #1: There is no eating on the bus.

They’ve posted signs… big damn signs, at the front of the bus. Do not chow down on your leftover fried chicken like a rabid badger when you think the bus driver isn’t looking. Last time, you chewed with your mouth open and left pieces of your cold greasy lunch all over the place (wiping your hands on the seat was a nice touch though). I’m sure the next person who had the misfortune of sitting there truly appreciated getting that shit all over their pants.

Seriously… listening to you masticate dead foul isn’t attractive, and it is against the rules on the bus. Don’t do it.

Item #2: Shut the fuck up!

Are you in love with your voice? You talk and talk about nothing and blurt out nonsensical shit in high speed.  You can’t seem to grasp that no one acknowledges  that you’re talking, but that doesn’t stop the steady stream of calorie free mental diarrhea that flows from your mouth.

No one cares that you’re late for work. We don’t want to see pictures of your wife (or as you lovingly put it: “That bitch who spent all my money and took off”). We have lives of our own, but you don’t see us sharing.

An additional rule of thumb, if you see put on my iPod, that’s the universal symbol for “don’t fucking talk to me, crazy bus guy!”. Learn to recognize it.

Item #3: Keep you clothing on!

I’m sorry the your forth metatarsal (the toe next to your pinky) on your right foot is infected, but for the love of all that’s good and pure, don’t wait until you’re on the bus to do something about it! When you took off your shoe and sock this morning, you nearly made the woman who was sitting across from you gag.

While viewing the great, open sore on you toe was bad, what ever the hell medicine you put on it was worse. That shit seriously stunk the bus up! Please… medicate your leper feet either before or after your bus ride!

Item #4: I am not your personal vending machine!

It’s not bad enough that I have to ride with you every morning and every evening, but I have to wait at the same stop as you do at the end of the day. Yes, I smoke, and it’s obvious you do too… so buy you own damn cigarettes! I know you have a job (you told me all about your raise and how you now make $9.75 an hour), so take some of that money and waddle your leper toed crazy ass down to the store and buy your own.

Item #5: Cologne is not a substitute for bathing

While I realize that you probably have gallons of your favorite cologne, Ode de Donkey Anus, please don’t use it as a body wash. The other day you smelled like you had mixed several car christmas tree air fresheners, onions, and shit together, then smeared it all over your body. You made the entire bus smell reek of pine and a pigs rectum. I could barely breathe through my nose, and when I attempted to do it through my mouth, I could taste your foul stench.

Wash the funk off your ass, then if you feel the need to use cologne, please do so sparingly.

I thank you for your time, Mr. Crazy Bus Guy. Again, thank you for choosing to use mass transit. Now go eat a bullet.

Sincerely;

Tone Parsons

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It’s been a bit since I posted. Sorry about that… I’ve been kinda busy.

On Saturday, we went to see the Spokane Shock play the Quad City SteamWeasels. It was truly an ugly game. The SteamWeasles came on to the field with attitude, there were several incidents of pushing the Shock players around, and one of their players, Shonn Bell (number 12) would act like he hurt his knee every time they wanted a time out, then come back out on the next play like nothing had happened.

There are pictures here. (opens in a new tab/window)

The part about the game that really made me upset (besides the fact that we lost) was the crowd. At the beginning of the 4th quarter, people started getting out of their seats and leaving. By the middle of the 4th, we had dropped from around 10,600 people to maybe 1,500. Way to support the team!

meh…

Other news…. I had to get my head shrunk yesterday.

My doctor decided I should see a psychologist who deals with people suffering chronic pain. I made the appointment, showed up on time, and filled out a ton of paperwork. After that, they took me in to talk to the shrink. Mostly, he asked about my childhood (yeah… that’s opening up a can of worms) and my relationship with my mother.

WTF does that have to do with chronic pain?

Then he gave me a bunch of paperwork to fill out and said that I should come back in 2 weeks. Joy!

And finally… after about a year of searching, I found that which my heart desired: the perfect cubicle toy…

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This weekend, the Spokane Shock kicked off the 2007 season. What a game!!

They played the Stockton Lightning and ended up winning the game 51 – 35. A bit thanks to the Lightning for showing up! The arena was sold out (as always) with over 10,600 screaming maniacs in the seats. It was crazy fun!

We play next weekend against the Quad City SteemWheelers (from Moline, Il). Apparently, they beat the Cincinnati Jungle Kats (81-21), so this might be a good game.  Hopefully the Shock send them packing!

Other news: I met with my doctor again today.  We’re playing “mix and match” with the medications: upping the dosage on two of them, dropping another, and adding a new one.  Now I’m back on the morphine shuffle.  It’s not the taking it that bothers me…. it’s when you have to stop taking it that totally sucks.  Oh well… it looks like I’m in this for the long term anyway (and yes indeed…. I am feeling better!).

Also, my in-laws moved in to my house on friday.  They sold their place in Arizona, packed it all up in moving pods, and drove to Spokane.  They’re currently looking for a house (they put a bid in on one yesterday), so they won’t be staying with us too long…. maybe a couple of months (crossing my fingers).

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We’ve been trying to renew a license for Weblogic. Sadly, it appears that the person who handles our account isn’t on the same page as we are.

Today, after our purchasing agent roasted him in an email for wasting the time of several people, our Weblogic rep sent the following reply:

From: Shawn xxxxxxx [mailto:xxxxxxx@bea-renewals.com]
Sent: Monday, March 26, 2007 2:06 PM
To: xxxxxxx
Cc: xxxxxxx; Parsons, Tone; xxxxxxx
Subject: Re: BEA Support Renewal for xxxxxxx.

Hello,

I am sorry for the incontinence. The form which was sent to me last Friday did not have the Billing Contact name filled in. I submitted it to Order Management and they sent it back asking that the name be filled in before they process the order.

Again, I am sorry for the incontinence and I will process this updated order right away.

Thank you for your help.

Regards,

Shawn xxxxxx
BEA Systems
Service Sales Representative
Ph: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Fax: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Email: xxxxxxx@bea-renewals.com

Oh man… “incontinence”?!? I’m not sure if he meant “inconvenience” or “incompetence”, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean what he typed (twice!!)

I almost wet myself!

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